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Thursday, April 9, 2015

Taking the fun out of trolling: the killfile (a.k.a. plonking)

Instructions: the following form is provided for your plonking comfort. You may use it on internet boards, forums, etc. any time you meet our old friend Dick from the internet. Just copy and paste to let Dick know that whatever residual interest you had in him is exhausted, and you'll no longer be able to hear him making an ass of him/herself. My rule of thumb is: 
  1. Send a violation notice and disengage from direct interaction on first offence  
  2. Send a further notice and plonk on repeat violation (that's two strikes, and you're out - you don't really need three for this kind of scum)
Obviously, you don't have to warn trolls that you're plonking them, but doing it gives a nice closure feeling, and explicitly classifies as childish and useless further attempts of the trolls to contact you. Just be sure to never resume contact with the plonked individual unless a very long time has passed (and even then, I wouldn't, but that's me). Don't overdo this or you'll soon run out of people to talk to.
Above all, don't be like Dick, and  be sure to follow the house rules yourself. Always follow the house rules.

License: CC-BY-NC-ND

Welcome to my killfile!

I am writing this to inform you that you finally made it: you have been plonked. Most people never get even close to this place, but you are such a special person, and this place fits you to a T. This a moment to celebrate both as an achievement and as the last time we get a chance to talk (actually, that last chance is already gone for you).

This place has many names: the bitbucket, /dev/null, the ignore list... but I love our internet traditions, and I like its grim original name: killfile.

So,now you're here, look around. 

Make yourself at home. 

Have conversations (with yourself).

If you feel like it, feel free to behave like a jerk (I know that's a natural to you).

Or, just keep trolling away as you usually do.

Don't worry, I won't mind. As a matter of fact, I won't be even able to hear you - that's what killfiles are for.

Please note: this is a form letter.

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